The Birth

The cry of a birth
of a joy, of a pride
joins now on earth
In the stroll, in the stride

O why, dear child, that you do ask
To take upon you, such big a task
to water the rivers, to bathe the seas
When the birds and the bees, their families cease

Welcome Joy, nevertheless
Hoping for you, it'll be painless
We're out of silver to line the clouds
and Rainbow's treasures, are deep in doubts

Through The Looking Glass

I beg of you, speak not a word
the less is said, the less is hurt
be still, be silent
and breathe with me, this savored moment

In frozen stance, you cringe watching
and through the glass, you strain looking
A sight, a vision, or is it a reflection
Afraid are you not, of this confusion?

Reach you not, for only in despair
and not for a moment, should you shed a tear
For all in all, still firm I'm here
only to you, not any nearer

I search hard for the cold sacred heart
and I seek deep, as it falls apart

The Ticking of the Moments

The ticking of the moments,
once gone unnoticed
Now pierces mercilessly,
bringing deafening silence
Taunting,
the loss I wished kept hidden
Preying,
the hushed thoughts of my despair.

I fear I have lost what was not mine to begin with
Yet was so that it seemed within my embrace.
Again, I had stepped into the forbidden land
I saw was enticing.

I savored those moments,
and I breathed in each lent glory
But as fate may have it
my cover comes away
And become I a trespasser caught in a field of nothingness
nowhere to hide, to run
to seek flight,
not even in the mind

I await the punishment
none seemed forthcoming
Yet all so overbearing, overwhelming.

No motion, no movement can I make
Even if I had wanted to.
the vastness of this emptiness leads to no particular direction
again.

To this, I resign,
as accept I must
my destiny, void of whatever reason,
though if given
would not have been taken.

I have but lost all desire to accept
Yet - in fear to returnto that path of deepened obscurity,
that this standstill
becomes most welcoming.

don't give Me your Love

Don't give me your love
for I know not what to make of it
am I to be grateful,
or should I be thankful

Don't give me your love
for I know not how to react to it
as to care, I'm unable
and to love, I'm incapable

Don't give me your love
unless you really dare
for to such feelings I'm unaware
for such, I do not care

Labyrinth

I left that labyrinth
that tangled, wrangled burrow of unending maze.

The scars that healed over time, that very long time,
had taken the might and drained all energy,
leaving only
this endless lethargy.

I dare not approach that labyrinth again
I wish not to venture into that obscurity, that uncertainty.
I cannot anymore pledge this soul
that I have often over-pawned
yet unable to seek its redeem
without a hefty price paid - that now
in this destitute,
is beyond my destiny


once, I took the so called path untaken
braving all risks
for that dream of gain
only to be living those nightmares of pain


Forgive me, both my soul
and the heart that now asks of mine
I fear there will never be,
at any path, in any lifetime,
the longed and pleaded, sacred entwine

There should be no thoughts in Laughter

Every single incident had indeed taken place. Every single word had indeed been uttered.

.

Every single choke - lumping, curdling within which seemed like huge boulders tumbling down and hitting and bouncing off the throat walls, which had been painful to contain and swallow, had indeed been the past week’s palate.

.

They were served muffled with coughs caused by the non-existent sore, the kind of cough that enables you to turn away to excuse yourself each time one was coming - the painful sounding ones which may cause a tear or two, cured quickly by those gulps of water and quick wipe of the eye.

.

Then there were those endless frail attempts to find humour each flailing moment.

.

Every advertisement, every stupid, silly, nonsensical, sub-intelligent, meaningless sitcom, telenovela, whatever, any single thing, appearing or passing by, was made to seem funny, so that you could laugh away.

.

And I laughed. And I laughed and laughed till I wasn’t sure whether I should continue to laugh or just stop.

...

Never before had I had to think about laughs. About how I should be laughing, for how long, how loud, how ..no.. no one should be thinking in the midst of laughs.

.

That’s the whole point of laughter.

.

You’re supposed to lose yourself in such escapades. You’re supposed to let your soul flow with the direction, or rather, lack of direction, when you laugh. You’re supposed to be in fits, or lost in diminished senses during laughter.

..

So it shouldn’t have mattered if the laughs were long, hard and loud laughs or smiles or snickers or whatever.. there are and should be no thoughts accompanying laughter.

...

And yet, there I was, thinking of what I should do next, when, and how, during my week of laughter. I was trying to make sense of such non-sense situations I was creating.

.

Which was all pure nonsense.

.

Only after laughs can you try, if at all, to make sense of what you’ve been laughing at. And most times you can’t. You shouldn't.

..

Laughters are not supposed to make sense. In the good sense... it's .. good non-sense for that spur of the moment, just that moment..

..

That’s why a joke you laughed at, or told, shouldn’t, and perhaps, couldn’t be repeated. It wouldn’t have been as funny, it may not even be or seem funny at all to another person when you try to repeat the same.

.

You might end up laughing at the joke.

.

Until you realize no one else is.

.

And they’re all looking at you – summing you up - as one who had just delivered a bad joke.

I Refuse To Cry

You have to cry when you are sad.

.

You may even cry if you are happy.

.

I am not sad, nor am I happy.

.

I am just standing here, alone, staring ahead.

Only – I am not looking at anything.

.

Everything is so brightly lit up yet all I see, feel, is bleakness.

So – can I, may I, should I?

.

I can feel the tears welling up within.

No! I have cried just too often before, too many times.

.

They say it'll make you better.

I don't think they meant to lie - but, crying usually only leaves me weary and weak.

I haven't been introduced to that kind of crying which could've made me later feel better.

.

But, even if it could ...

..

I refuse to cry.

don't want to miss this flight, again..

For whatever it is.. I’m through explaining.

I cannot go on explaining myself when it can never be understood.

Or.. it is, it can be understood, but ignored.

I’m tired. So I'll let things be. I'll not say another word.

so, yes, I'm exhausted. Not of things.. but of how things are, or have become.

Do you see what I mean?

No.. I guess not. Else I wouldn’t be like this now, feeling this, this weariness.

Yes.. that’s it.. I’m weary. I’m worn out. I just don’t have it in me anymore to want to keep this together.
Not alone.

I tried to hold on, by turning to others for strength.

It doesn’t work that way, does it?

Yes, I'm guessing now, that you know you know, too. And I'm guessing, too, that that is how it is for you, too.

So.

We’re two very tired, weary persons.

Well, we’re here now. We’re here, with the fork ahead.

Need you ask? Of course I’m taking that path so un-chartered! I’ve been traveling on course for too long, that, I lost me. It was your charter, perhaps, and never was mine to begin with.

And I know what awaits me there, up ahead, where I’m going.

Do you remember? That’s what that had brought us together in the first place! Yes! My fleeting path! Where my spirits had once roamed freely, flown openly!

But - It has been my fault, too, that I lost me.. in myself.

It has been a while. But I am returning now, to me.

Just a Matter of Fact

“I’ve got something to tell you. It makes little difference if I were to tell you now, tomorrow or next week. So I might as well tell you now.”

Why was it that I felt that I knew what was coming along with that statement.

I turned to look. I prepared myself. Maybe, because I already knew what was coming.

“What is it?” I did the only proper thing to do, that is, to let the conversation take its course.

“I’m leaving.”

“oh.. ok..” was all that I said.

“I”ll be moving my things out this weekend.”

Now, even though I had suspected that it would’ve happened all along, I lost my composure for a second. I did not expect things to take that course so soon though!

The one-sided conversation continued on - but I wasn’t truly listening at that point.

I was .. away in my own thoughts.

I forgot to breathe. Seconds flew before I realised that I needed air.

I was soon back to the present. We began to discuss, as I guess we rightly should in such situations, if only for the sake for completion - closure, perhaps, I don’t know.

But you have to talk about such things for a while right? It just seemed like the right thing to do. Well, you know, to ask about each other’s plans after this - the like, if only to be polite?

Neither had much to say after a couple of minutes though. The thing is, we probably both didn't really want to know.. or.. it was just too weird to to do so.

We were, I guess, planned, yet unplanned for it all, that's how it seemed. I mean.. how could we both really have plans ahead of this..

we knew this was coming, somehow - but we didn't, surely, plan it! I guess it was just a matter of time.

Like any other relationship – things run their course.

Silence ensued. Just that usual, simple, stumping silence. The kind that just makes you want to shuffle your feet aimlessly if you were standing, or makes you shift uneasily in your seat if otherwise..

I tried to hum to myself. Is it possible to hum off-tune? Well, I managed it.

“Want to finish the puzzle?” was the best I could come up with after the long silence. I was in the midst of doing the jigsaw puzzle before this, well, conversation started.

And so we sat and tried to finish the puzzle. The puzzle seemed to mimic, or perhaps, mock us. The puzzle was, like us - living our situation. There were just a lot of loose pieces strewn about. They all simply seemed like a carefully torn picture, a picture which was once beautiful, now scattered in what seemed as unrelated little pieces before us.

I had tried initially to do it on my own, putting the pieces together, but didn’t get that far.

and there we were, after all that, trying to put the pieces together - together ……

poetic..

“aren’t you going to do anything?”

I just smiled. “I’ve done the colourful parts. The trees .. they all look the same - after a while...”

Again.. my mind flew. That was how we were all these while. Whatever I began, you would’ve put the finishing touches.

Everything had become a habit, a routine, after a while.

I let a sigh slip. I got up, and said..” I fancy an ice-cream. You want one?”

“I want Swensen’s,” came the reply.“Well.. shall we go then?”

Again, that sounded so typically like how it had always been with us. Always obliging each other... then.

“What about the puzzle?”“Don’t worry about it. It can be finished tomorrow, next week, plenty..”

I stopped myself from continuing.

There was going to be no next week..

We both pretended to not have noticed what I had said. We went off together, as was the norm, though for a while - it seemed strange...

We had dinner, we talked, we laughed, and finished dinner with that much-needed ice-cream. We then said our good-nights.

No mess, no arguments, no tears. No goodbyes. Everything was.. seemed - as they should be.....

just a matter of fact.

A Matter of Time

"What are you saying? What do you mean?!!"

"I think you know. Please don't make this harder."

"For you or for me???!! Why? Why? At the very least, you owe me that."

"It just happened."

"What?? Huh! What do you mean, "it just happened"? Nothing ever does "just happened"?

"don't mock me."

"Don't MOCK you? Don't mock you? Oh no. You don't get away with that. If anyone is mocking, it's you mocking me. You just don't get to come here and just tell me that, out of the blue, and expect me to sit back and accept your "just happened" explanation. For goodness sakes, you start talking mister! You owe me that."

"What do you want me to say? What good will it do? Whatever I say will not change anything. It's over, we're over. Things - they've been over for a while now.. you know it. We just never dealt with things. I just think we should, now. That's all."

"So that's it? That's all?"

"What more do you want me to say? Look, this is no walk in the park for me either, you know."

"Oh my heart so does go out for you!!"

"That's it. I'm off. I don't have to take any more of this. This is also why I'm going, why I decided to leave."

"Don't you lie. Don't you dare blame me for this."

"Enough, okay? I've had enough. I'm through."

Why now, why again?

"What is it? What's wrong? Aren't you happy to see me again?"

"No. I mean, yes. I am happy to see you, but I wish I hadn't. Not like this..."

"Hush..Don't say that.."

"Look, we were only supposed to meet as friends..."

"BabyI know. But can you deny our feelings, your feelings? We just couldn't help ourselves..it's been too long.It's only because we've just missed each other too much."

"It still doesn't make it right."

"I know. I know. But .. ok.. lets just start afresh, ok? How have you been, really?"

"This is not a game, that you can just say, lets start afresh.."

"I know. I just don't know what else to say. I mean. If I were to say don't make a big thing out of it, it'll make it seem as if it didn't mean anything, but it does.. but at the same time, I don't want us to start arguing as soon as we've met. I've missed you so much, I want to enjoy this time with you, to look at you, your smile.. God knows how I've missed your smile."

"And then what?"

"I don't know. I wish I can say more, promise more."

"Please. No more promises. Don't you think we've had enough of broken ones?"

At the Bar

“So, tell me, if you’re not interested, why are you still in touch?”

“Because”.

“Oi! Don’t give me that. What do you mean “because”?”

“Just that. Anyway, why shouldn’t I?”

“Because!”

“Hey, that’s my line.”

“No, really. Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Why are you still seeing her?”

“Look, why shouldn’t I? I’m not attached, she’s not attached..”

“Don’t you think you might just be leading her on? Like.. she might think there is hope after all?”

“Hey, I’ve made things clear. If she has those thoughts, that’s not my fault, or problem! Besides, for the time being, whenever I need a date or escort to any do, or should I need somebody to go to the movies with, since I hate going alone…”

“You’re a jackass, big time, you know that!”

“Call me whatever, man! I’m still the one for many!”

“Ah shush! Drink up before I pour the drink all over your face!”

“Do that and you’re buying the next! Chill, man. It’s nothing. You think too much. You’re always that “Mr Nice Guy”. Haven’t you learned that gets you nowhere?”

“yeah… I have to say you’re right. But I can hope, that one day..”

“And that, my friend, is when we all say.. “dream on!”. Drink up. You’re so pathetic but you’re my best mate, so I’ll buy another round. Come on. Hey look, 3 o’clock.. babes on the move! Yeah baby! Out of my way, people!”

“Well, you coming or what?”

Another Phone Call

"Hey baby. How are you?"

"I'm fine. Just fine.."

"Merry Christmas!"

"Girl? You there?"

"Don’t call me that."

"Why? What’s wrong?"

"Look, what is it? Why are you calling?"

"It’s the holiday season, honey. And I was thinking of you. I’ve missed you. You said you’d meet me but when I called the last few times before you kept putting things off. "

"I didn’t have the time then."

"Well, what about now? Can we meet? "

"Don’t. Please don’t call me anymore."

"But I need to see you. I’ve missed you".

"I.. Baby? Hello? .. "

What's Fair?

"You made that choice".
- I had to. I had to do what was right at the time.

"And it’s no longer right now?"
- No. It’s not like that.

"Then what? It was so right that you now want to make it wrong?"
- No. You know that’s not the case.

"Hah. So what is it? You found that despite whatever you’ve done, ooh.. that I’m still the one? And so you’re back?"
- Yes. Well, yes. But don’t make it sound so.. so..

"So what? Stupid of you? Well. It’s true isn’t it? And guess what? I don’t wish to be straddled with your stupidity".

- That’s not fair.

"What’s fair? You leaving me stranded and going ahead trying all other avenues and when all don’t work, you heading back to me? And expecting me to simply, let you in? That's fair?"

Another Blind Date

"So, what's he like?"

"He's okay."

"Hey. Wait up. What do you mean, he's okay? C'mon! Spill!"

"That's just it, I'm afraid."

"You're priceless".

"What do you mean?"

"You didn't even try, did you? What did you do? The usual "oh ok" to everything the guy says? Really! And he's one of the better ones!"

"Told you I'm not big on blind dates. You insisted. Me? I had to go along to shut you up, else I wouldn't have heard the last of it."

"You're a bitch, that's what you are!"

"haha, that I am. Come on, coffee's on me,and a dig into a rich, moist chocolate cake is what we need. Calories here we come".

"and quit with the pout already! I'll humour you by going on that next date once you've set it up. Now come along, I'm dying for that sugar buzz."

The Popcorn's Gone

“Then I guess we were never meant to be...”

“I wish it had been different, the road ahead, I mean, not how it was.. how we were all these time.. those.. those had been the happiest of days, that, I wish, could have been forever”.

“Well, we've lived that dream long enough. Time to wake up.”

“I wish you didn't make it sound like that. You know, so curt”.

“How else do you want me to be? You said yourself it's not possible to go on. So be it”.

“I know you're hurting. You're just putting up that facade again, as you always do when faced with disappoinments. Don't do that with me”.

“If you say so”.

“Don't be like this. This may be our last moment together”.

“And what of it? You want to leave with sweet memories? You want us to hold each other till it's time to part? Then you go off, and we don't see each other again? Would that be, say, more romantic for you? Well – movie's over. Popcorn's gone.”

“Baby..”

“Go. Please, just go”.

“Will you be okay?”

“Don't ask me stupid questions. We've both been stupid in our make believe world long enough. Put a lid on it”.

“Well? What are you waiting for? Go! Leave! Just .. leave. Let me be”.

“I said, leave”.

How much longer...

“How long must it be? How much longer must we hide our feelings? Why should we care what others say, or think of us?”

“Didn't you hear me?”

“I did.”

“Well?”

“It won't be for too long. Soon enough it will be okay for us to let them know.”

“When?! For how long? You keep saying that. I'm getting tired of our hidden meetings. It's just stupid to do so!”

“I don't know how long this will take. But soon. Soon, we will let them know.”

“I don't want to wait too long. Either we let them all know about us, ... or...”

“Give it just a little while longer. Things will work out for the better, trust me.“

“I do, I do trust you, but you've got to try harder letting them know.”

“It's complicated. you know it is...”

“Only because you make it so. I say we just get on with our lives, the way we want to. The hell with the rest!”

“You know I can't do that.... they're my family.. friends.. I don't want to hurt them, any of them....”

“They'll get hurt anyway.”

“I know.. that's why I want to wait, why I want us to wait. Can we, could you just try to be patient, just a while longer, until the right time comes?”

“There'll never be a right time! And you know that! There is just no such thing as the right time. Not in this case. Just let them know about us and get it done and over with!”

“I will.. I will... I promise... “

“I only wish that I do not love you just too much as I do now.. if I didn't, I would have taken off and left... I've waited too long, I've hanged on to that promise of yours for just a bit too long...”

“I'm sorry, baby. Believe me, I am truly sorry. I hate having to do this to you. But I have to try to be fair to them. I still do love them..”

“Then what about me? Don't you then love me? When will you be fair to me?”

It's Just Not Going to Happen...

"What do you mean, you're... in love.. with me?"

"I do. Surely you knew.."

"But I didn't, don't .. I never thought ... you have to stop this.."

"But why? Don't you feel the same way?"

"No! I .. do not.. never did...I mean.. I never meant.."

"We can make this happen."

"No. It's impossible."

"Why?"

"You know why, I just can't."

"Please... I need you.."

"Stop it!"

"I can't. Please.. we can make this work, I know we can. I love you.."

"You're... Look. You have to put a stop to this. This is pure insanity! I don't want to hurt you. But, I think we shouldn't meet any more."

"No.. don't say that, I ..can't live without you, you have to stay! You must! "

"I don't have to stay.. no.. In fact, I.. just don't want to. Not any more. You.. just have to deal with this. I never, not even once, thought more of us, not as what you think. What we had, how we were.. that was good, but you... you've just- ruined it.. I'm leaving. I have to go. You.. you take care, okay? "

"Wait.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.. please, don't go.. wait, don't leave me. I need you.. baby, baby! look at me.. baby... listen! lets forget all that I've said... lets just go back to how we were.. we can do that.. yes.. yes, we can, we can! we'll do that.. honey?"


"...wait... wait.......
.......... please...... i'm sorry... stay.. please, stay, I beg you ... I..love you...
.. i love you...."

Sins of Yesterday

Sins of yesterday... Will one ever be forgiven, in any true sense. Would yester pains just continue to haunt despite repentance.. would it be possible to feel any worse if such repentance, is reneged.. is there any need to go on.. if only in despair..

Cursed, cursed soul, so
trapped in lies. deep
In seek,
of far flung feigned salvation..

in woes you wither
and in sorrows you soar
only to slump to stern stumble and
In that grief you gasp to deeply breathe.

You poor fooled soul.
Deceived by your own dreams and
Tormented by your own belief of lies
Hold you not to the unflowering seeds –
And hope you not for the unyielding creed

That Evening

"I’ve missed you."

"I said, I’ve missed you."

"I heard you both times. "

"Well? "

"Well, what? "

"Don’t do this to me. "

"And what is it that I am doing to you? "

"You know what I mean. "

"There is nothing left to be said. "

"Please… "

"You're hurting my arms. Let me go. And, from now on, you have to let me go!"

"I can’t. "

"You have too, you did before."

"And you will hold that against me forever, won’t you? "

"Wouldn’t you have?!"

"Don’t… please. Stop…. "

"I have, I did. Long ago. And it’s about time, you did, too…"