Labyrinth

I left that labyrinth
that tangled, wrangled burrow of unending maze.

The scars that healed over time, that very long time,
had taken the might and drained all energy,
leaving only
this endless lethargy.

I dare not approach that labyrinth again
I wish not to venture into that obscurity, that uncertainty.
I cannot anymore pledge this soul
that I have often over-pawned
yet unable to seek its redeem
without a hefty price paid - that now
in this destitute,
is beyond my destiny


once, I took the so called path untaken
braving all risks
for that dream of gain
only to be living those nightmares of pain


Forgive me, both my soul
and the heart that now asks of mine
I fear there will never be,
at any path, in any lifetime,
the longed and pleaded, sacred entwine

There should be no thoughts in Laughter

Every single incident had indeed taken place. Every single word had indeed been uttered.

.

Every single choke - lumping, curdling within which seemed like huge boulders tumbling down and hitting and bouncing off the throat walls, which had been painful to contain and swallow, had indeed been the past week’s palate.

.

They were served muffled with coughs caused by the non-existent sore, the kind of cough that enables you to turn away to excuse yourself each time one was coming - the painful sounding ones which may cause a tear or two, cured quickly by those gulps of water and quick wipe of the eye.

.

Then there were those endless frail attempts to find humour each flailing moment.

.

Every advertisement, every stupid, silly, nonsensical, sub-intelligent, meaningless sitcom, telenovela, whatever, any single thing, appearing or passing by, was made to seem funny, so that you could laugh away.

.

And I laughed. And I laughed and laughed till I wasn’t sure whether I should continue to laugh or just stop.

...

Never before had I had to think about laughs. About how I should be laughing, for how long, how loud, how ..no.. no one should be thinking in the midst of laughs.

.

That’s the whole point of laughter.

.

You’re supposed to lose yourself in such escapades. You’re supposed to let your soul flow with the direction, or rather, lack of direction, when you laugh. You’re supposed to be in fits, or lost in diminished senses during laughter.

..

So it shouldn’t have mattered if the laughs were long, hard and loud laughs or smiles or snickers or whatever.. there are and should be no thoughts accompanying laughter.

...

And yet, there I was, thinking of what I should do next, when, and how, during my week of laughter. I was trying to make sense of such non-sense situations I was creating.

.

Which was all pure nonsense.

.

Only after laughs can you try, if at all, to make sense of what you’ve been laughing at. And most times you can’t. You shouldn't.

..

Laughters are not supposed to make sense. In the good sense... it's .. good non-sense for that spur of the moment, just that moment..

..

That’s why a joke you laughed at, or told, shouldn’t, and perhaps, couldn’t be repeated. It wouldn’t have been as funny, it may not even be or seem funny at all to another person when you try to repeat the same.

.

You might end up laughing at the joke.

.

Until you realize no one else is.

.

And they’re all looking at you – summing you up - as one who had just delivered a bad joke.

I Refuse To Cry

You have to cry when you are sad.

.

You may even cry if you are happy.

.

I am not sad, nor am I happy.

.

I am just standing here, alone, staring ahead.

Only – I am not looking at anything.

.

Everything is so brightly lit up yet all I see, feel, is bleakness.

So – can I, may I, should I?

.

I can feel the tears welling up within.

No! I have cried just too often before, too many times.

.

They say it'll make you better.

I don't think they meant to lie - but, crying usually only leaves me weary and weak.

I haven't been introduced to that kind of crying which could've made me later feel better.

.

But, even if it could ...

..

I refuse to cry.

don't want to miss this flight, again..

For whatever it is.. I’m through explaining.

I cannot go on explaining myself when it can never be understood.

Or.. it is, it can be understood, but ignored.

I’m tired. So I'll let things be. I'll not say another word.

so, yes, I'm exhausted. Not of things.. but of how things are, or have become.

Do you see what I mean?

No.. I guess not. Else I wouldn’t be like this now, feeling this, this weariness.

Yes.. that’s it.. I’m weary. I’m worn out. I just don’t have it in me anymore to want to keep this together.
Not alone.

I tried to hold on, by turning to others for strength.

It doesn’t work that way, does it?

Yes, I'm guessing now, that you know you know, too. And I'm guessing, too, that that is how it is for you, too.

So.

We’re two very tired, weary persons.

Well, we’re here now. We’re here, with the fork ahead.

Need you ask? Of course I’m taking that path so un-chartered! I’ve been traveling on course for too long, that, I lost me. It was your charter, perhaps, and never was mine to begin with.

And I know what awaits me there, up ahead, where I’m going.

Do you remember? That’s what that had brought us together in the first place! Yes! My fleeting path! Where my spirits had once roamed freely, flown openly!

But - It has been my fault, too, that I lost me.. in myself.

It has been a while. But I am returning now, to me.

Just a Matter of Fact

“I’ve got something to tell you. It makes little difference if I were to tell you now, tomorrow or next week. So I might as well tell you now.”

Why was it that I felt that I knew what was coming along with that statement.

I turned to look. I prepared myself. Maybe, because I already knew what was coming.

“What is it?” I did the only proper thing to do, that is, to let the conversation take its course.

“I’m leaving.”

“oh.. ok..” was all that I said.

“I”ll be moving my things out this weekend.”

Now, even though I had suspected that it would’ve happened all along, I lost my composure for a second. I did not expect things to take that course so soon though!

The one-sided conversation continued on - but I wasn’t truly listening at that point.

I was .. away in my own thoughts.

I forgot to breathe. Seconds flew before I realised that I needed air.

I was soon back to the present. We began to discuss, as I guess we rightly should in such situations, if only for the sake for completion - closure, perhaps, I don’t know.

But you have to talk about such things for a while right? It just seemed like the right thing to do. Well, you know, to ask about each other’s plans after this - the like, if only to be polite?

Neither had much to say after a couple of minutes though. The thing is, we probably both didn't really want to know.. or.. it was just too weird to to do so.

We were, I guess, planned, yet unplanned for it all, that's how it seemed. I mean.. how could we both really have plans ahead of this..

we knew this was coming, somehow - but we didn't, surely, plan it! I guess it was just a matter of time.

Like any other relationship – things run their course.

Silence ensued. Just that usual, simple, stumping silence. The kind that just makes you want to shuffle your feet aimlessly if you were standing, or makes you shift uneasily in your seat if otherwise..

I tried to hum to myself. Is it possible to hum off-tune? Well, I managed it.

“Want to finish the puzzle?” was the best I could come up with after the long silence. I was in the midst of doing the jigsaw puzzle before this, well, conversation started.

And so we sat and tried to finish the puzzle. The puzzle seemed to mimic, or perhaps, mock us. The puzzle was, like us - living our situation. There were just a lot of loose pieces strewn about. They all simply seemed like a carefully torn picture, a picture which was once beautiful, now scattered in what seemed as unrelated little pieces before us.

I had tried initially to do it on my own, putting the pieces together, but didn’t get that far.

and there we were, after all that, trying to put the pieces together - together ……

poetic..

“aren’t you going to do anything?”

I just smiled. “I’ve done the colourful parts. The trees .. they all look the same - after a while...”

Again.. my mind flew. That was how we were all these while. Whatever I began, you would’ve put the finishing touches.

Everything had become a habit, a routine, after a while.

I let a sigh slip. I got up, and said..” I fancy an ice-cream. You want one?”

“I want Swensen’s,” came the reply.“Well.. shall we go then?”

Again, that sounded so typically like how it had always been with us. Always obliging each other... then.

“What about the puzzle?”“Don’t worry about it. It can be finished tomorrow, next week, plenty..”

I stopped myself from continuing.

There was going to be no next week..

We both pretended to not have noticed what I had said. We went off together, as was the norm, though for a while - it seemed strange...

We had dinner, we talked, we laughed, and finished dinner with that much-needed ice-cream. We then said our good-nights.

No mess, no arguments, no tears. No goodbyes. Everything was.. seemed - as they should be.....

just a matter of fact.

A Matter of Time

"What are you saying? What do you mean?!!"

"I think you know. Please don't make this harder."

"For you or for me???!! Why? Why? At the very least, you owe me that."

"It just happened."

"What?? Huh! What do you mean, "it just happened"? Nothing ever does "just happened"?

"don't mock me."

"Don't MOCK you? Don't mock you? Oh no. You don't get away with that. If anyone is mocking, it's you mocking me. You just don't get to come here and just tell me that, out of the blue, and expect me to sit back and accept your "just happened" explanation. For goodness sakes, you start talking mister! You owe me that."

"What do you want me to say? What good will it do? Whatever I say will not change anything. It's over, we're over. Things - they've been over for a while now.. you know it. We just never dealt with things. I just think we should, now. That's all."

"So that's it? That's all?"

"What more do you want me to say? Look, this is no walk in the park for me either, you know."

"Oh my heart so does go out for you!!"

"That's it. I'm off. I don't have to take any more of this. This is also why I'm going, why I decided to leave."

"Don't you lie. Don't you dare blame me for this."

"Enough, okay? I've had enough. I'm through."

Why now, why again?

"What is it? What's wrong? Aren't you happy to see me again?"

"No. I mean, yes. I am happy to see you, but I wish I hadn't. Not like this..."

"Hush..Don't say that.."

"Look, we were only supposed to meet as friends..."

"BabyI know. But can you deny our feelings, your feelings? We just couldn't help ourselves..it's been too long.It's only because we've just missed each other too much."

"It still doesn't make it right."

"I know. I know. But .. ok.. lets just start afresh, ok? How have you been, really?"

"This is not a game, that you can just say, lets start afresh.."

"I know. I just don't know what else to say. I mean. If I were to say don't make a big thing out of it, it'll make it seem as if it didn't mean anything, but it does.. but at the same time, I don't want us to start arguing as soon as we've met. I've missed you so much, I want to enjoy this time with you, to look at you, your smile.. God knows how I've missed your smile."

"And then what?"

"I don't know. I wish I can say more, promise more."

"Please. No more promises. Don't you think we've had enough of broken ones?"